So due to a series of unfortunate events in the last few months I have decided that it is way past time to go on a little life Journey. In the last couple of years I have lost complete sight of the true me, going down paths I never though I would in a million years. I have always been a genuinely caring person about everyone, but at some point I decided that everyone else was more important than I was that somehow their wants were more important than my needs. I let negative things, thoughts, and people have control of my life and I have no idea how I ended up letting that happen.
It is no foreign concept to me that everyone has their own demons and struggles they must handle in their lives. We I have let me demons and struggles control me for way to long and I am sure that some of you that are reading this have to. Its not hard to do, actually a lot of times it is easier than fighting them. I let my past define me my whole like my mindset has always been that everything that was done to me is a foreshadow for how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Well guess what it doesn't have to.
To randomly jump back to the beginning the series of unfortunate events that have happened is that about three months ago, I hit what I though was my lowest low. I had been worn down from handing on to the constant pain from my past every day. Feeling as though I was always going to be unloved and that no one cares. I decided to try and take my life, but a close guy friend of mine called me and told me he was worried that I was about to do something horrible. So he came to get me and to make it short I ended up in the hospital. I started intense therapy and was immediately put on medication for depression. I felt like I was going to actually start getting better, but then the therapy became way less intense and I was pretty much demoted down to once ever two weeks instead of four times a week for two hour sessions. I have always had medical problems but never this many at one time. I have six doctors I have to see on a regular basis for all different kinds of things. Thus leading me to have to withdraw from my classes, which put me on termination status with my school. I got so overwhelmed and felt as though I couldn't get ahead no matter how hard I tried and the feeling as though I would be stuck in the constant state of failure for the rest of my life. So I went home with tear soaked eyes and made my second attempt last Friday. This time I had text a different friend to tell her goodbye and she called the cops. She illiterately saved my life, if she would have waited another five minutes to call I would not be here today. I ended up in ICU for 3 days 24 hours of which I was in a medically induced coma with a tube down my throat because I stopped breathing.
I have a favorite book that most people would not even think about dedicating the amount of time it requires to actually read and understand this book. (I have read it hundreds of times and it still takes me an hour to read about 15 pages.) It is called Walden by Henry David Thoreau and it is a real eye opener it was written over 150 years ago but pertains to the present times more then ever. Well I was reading it tonight and it got me thinking and I am going to take what I like to call a life journey. I won't be blogging, using facebook or any other type of social media, no internet, using my phone only for emergencies, no television so pretty much all modern technology will be off limits. I will be keeping a Journal threw out this time. I need to take time and just figure out who I am, now more then ever with everyone telling me how I need to deal with these suicide attempts. So I have decided to not listen to any of them but instead stay going to my therapist like I currently am and just try and dig deep deep down and figure out who I am.
With that being said, as of right now my life journey will last around two months. I know that is not every long but its amazing what you can get done in just a couple hours with no technology, of course I will still be going to work and things that I have to do. I want to challenge each of you, to do even just a mini life journey go three days with out technology and see what you figure out about yourself. Its a lat harder said then done believe me I know my life is pretty much on the internet, which is why my mom will have my laptop and television as for my phone it will be in my desk drawer on silent.
Well that is pretty much everything for now. I can't wait to see where I am at in two months (starting on Monday by the way) and to be able to share it with you guys. Wish me luck in this journey and I shall see you all in two months!
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