change is a good thing.

I used to wake up every morning wishing I was dead. Never seeing a point to life, a point to try. Most days I just laid in bed all and just shut the world and everyone out. I lost some really good friends but I mean what else was new? everyone always walks out of my life. I can still vividly remember the last time I cut. I was living at a friends apartment and some events had happened and made me even more feel like I was never going to be good enough. My best friend walked in on me, and I scared her to death. She continually told me that she can't understand how you could hate your life so much that you would want to end it. But when you are constantly hurting death seems to be the best way out. I have not had an easily life by any means , in saying that I know there are people out there who have had it way worse then me. I would never try and say my struggles are harder than someone else because even if it seems not as bad to me as mine you have no idea how hard it was for them.

The change that has happened is I no longer wake up every day wishing I was dead. I still have my days but even my worst days now are not as bad as what my best days used to be. I have goals and I feel like I have a purpose. I can't say I haven't though about dying because that though doesn't just go away. I have learned to let God be my best friend because when you have no one else to talk to he is always there with open ears and open arms to hold you. (And he won't tell all your secrets if he gets mad at you). I don't know what changed but where I didn't used to be able to see a light at the end of an endless tunnel. I now see open fields and sun shine. as cliche as that may sound.

I now hope that one day I can be someone to give hope to people that feel hopeless , uncared about , and unloved. Because I have been there and felt that and its not something that I would ever want any other human being to feel. I don't wish my experiences on even my worst enemy. 


Love you all
xoxoxo

Letting go and moving on.

Sometimes life throws us some curve balls that we never would have been expecting. One of the hardest things I think I have ever had to go through is a broken heart. I know I'm not the only one who has ever had a broken heart. Ive had my fair share of them but this last one for some reason was the hardest. Maybe because the last time my heart was really broken was at the end of a horrible 4 year relationship. This last heartbreak though I was head over heals for the boy , he treated me like I should have been and he took care of me , when I was sick when I wasn't sick. He ended up breaking up with me about 5 almost 6 months ago. It was the hardest thing I have had to go through in awhile. It has taken me the whole last 5 months to finally realize that I can do so much better. I have finally moved on with the help of some amazing friends , family and well music. So for all of you out there who maybe going threw a heartbreak weather its your first or your 5th. I have a little challenge to you put down the chocolate , ice cream , or what ever it is that you have decided to turn to. Instead pick up a book and read it. Go out with friends and have a girls night out. Listen to upbeat music NO sad music that only makes it worse. Go out for a run/walk. Do something other than eat your feeling. While it may feel good now in a couple of weeks you'll be paying for it and guess what the feelings always come back. So get out of those sweats that you have been in for a week now. Take a shower and go out and do something. Even though it hurts it will go away. So don't let it stay longer then it has to. Because I promise once you do let go and accept it , it will be easier to move on and be happy yet once again. Oh and don't be afraid to get back out there. For every door that closes another one opens.

Love you all
xoxo

Loving life

Right now I am loving my life. I love my full time job at Starbucks. I love my customers , and I love my team members. Sure I come home completely exhausted but I finally have a feeling of purpose. Plus I have awesome friends for the days I don't work. I love myself and I love my life. I don't have much free time anymore but I who needs a lot of free time. I have also recently reached deep within and decided that I deserve to be happy and so I am letting go of all the hurt that I have had to go through in my life, and moving forward. Life is to short to hold on to hurt for longer than a day or two. This world is a beautiful place you just have to open your eyes to it. If you hold on to hurt and anger you will never see it. I have learned a lot this year about myself and this world. And one thing that will always stay relavent is that not everyone is out there to hurt you, the people that walk out of your life arn't ment to be in it in the first place. I am also proud to say that I am single and I will not just settle for the first guy that comes a long like I used to. I deserve nothing than the best. I have also learned that if you can't be okay with spending time by yourself you need to learn to because you may not always have the plethora of friends that you do right now. I have finally decided to that I don't mind spending my days off all by myself its actually relaxing and up lifting it gives me time to look within myself and realize what I absolutely love about myself and what I could easily change. any who I gotta head off to work right now so stay beautiful people. and if you don't already learn to love the life you have because you only get on chance at this thing.

xoxo

Adjustments

Hey there fellow bloggers , or maybe you just stumbled upon my blog by accident. Either way I'm so very glad you did. So I'm starting to get used to life back in Indiana. I have my first full time job right now and I am a proud member of Starbucks. I am a Batista and I am loving every minute of it. I've only worked two days so far I'm still training. Its a lot easier then I though it would be but I'm getting the hang of it. Also I am absolutely loving the perks of working there. I have decided to start taking some classes in January so at least I have a little time to adjust to working full time and I am only going to be taking two classes so I can find a balance to still be able to work full time. I am so excited about all the positive things that are happening around me and to me. While I miss North Carolina in a way I am glad God brought me back here. Yeah so I may not have a lot of friends and me and my mom may fight from time to time , but the friends that I do have I would not trade them for the wold and my momma and I get a long a lot better after I moved. Mainly because she knows that I am not willing to be treated like a child any longer and that I am an adult and if I am not treated as one I will not hesitate to move out again. Honestly though I am trying to make it to where I don't have idle time anymore so I'm not as worried about trying to find something to do and being bored all the time , or focusing on the fact that I don't really have anyone to hang out with. I miss North Carolina because of the amazing people I had in my life. I was constanly surrounded by people and then moving back its kinda lonely when all you do is sit in a house by yourself doing nothing. But since I am back here I have a new set of goals that are going to take some adjustments to get used to. I am promising you all right now though that I will achieve them. They are 1.) To get a car in the next 4 months. 2.) To have an appartment of my own in the next 7 months. 3.) To have nothing below a B  avarage in my two classes (which will be hard for me because I have a learning disablitly and have never had good grades). and last but not least to work on my relationship with my mom which I know will be easier when im not living here. So there you have it , a kinda little look into my life right now and where I plan to be at within the next 7 or so months. Promise to keep you guys updated along the way. Lifes crazy but sometimes I just have to take the time to sit and blog and hope that someone will read it , or at least a place that I can sit down and write exactly what I am thinking.

Love you all
xoxoxo

P.S. don't be afraid to leave a comment as long as its not negative because I prefer to not have negativity on my blog. But I always encourage for you to post your thoughts. I actually really really enjoy it. <3 br="br">