change is a good thing.

I used to wake up every morning wishing I was dead. Never seeing a point to life, a point to try. Most days I just laid in bed all and just shut the world and everyone out. I lost some really good friends but I mean what else was new? everyone always walks out of my life. I can still vividly remember the last time I cut. I was living at a friends apartment and some events had happened and made me even more feel like I was never going to be good enough. My best friend walked in on me, and I scared her to death. She continually told me that she can't understand how you could hate your life so much that you would want to end it. But when you are constantly hurting death seems to be the best way out. I have not had an easily life by any means , in saying that I know there are people out there who have had it way worse then me. I would never try and say my struggles are harder than someone else because even if it seems not as bad to me as mine you have no idea how hard it was for them.

The change that has happened is I no longer wake up every day wishing I was dead. I still have my days but even my worst days now are not as bad as what my best days used to be. I have goals and I feel like I have a purpose. I can't say I haven't though about dying because that though doesn't just go away. I have learned to let God be my best friend because when you have no one else to talk to he is always there with open ears and open arms to hold you. (And he won't tell all your secrets if he gets mad at you). I don't know what changed but where I didn't used to be able to see a light at the end of an endless tunnel. I now see open fields and sun shine. as cliche as that may sound.

I now hope that one day I can be someone to give hope to people that feel hopeless , uncared about , and unloved. Because I have been there and felt that and its not something that I would ever want any other human being to feel. I don't wish my experiences on even my worst enemy. 


Love you all
xoxoxo

Letting go and moving on.

Sometimes life throws us some curve balls that we never would have been expecting. One of the hardest things I think I have ever had to go through is a broken heart. I know I'm not the only one who has ever had a broken heart. Ive had my fair share of them but this last one for some reason was the hardest. Maybe because the last time my heart was really broken was at the end of a horrible 4 year relationship. This last heartbreak though I was head over heals for the boy , he treated me like I should have been and he took care of me , when I was sick when I wasn't sick. He ended up breaking up with me about 5 almost 6 months ago. It was the hardest thing I have had to go through in awhile. It has taken me the whole last 5 months to finally realize that I can do so much better. I have finally moved on with the help of some amazing friends , family and well music. So for all of you out there who maybe going threw a heartbreak weather its your first or your 5th. I have a little challenge to you put down the chocolate , ice cream , or what ever it is that you have decided to turn to. Instead pick up a book and read it. Go out with friends and have a girls night out. Listen to upbeat music NO sad music that only makes it worse. Go out for a run/walk. Do something other than eat your feeling. While it may feel good now in a couple of weeks you'll be paying for it and guess what the feelings always come back. So get out of those sweats that you have been in for a week now. Take a shower and go out and do something. Even though it hurts it will go away. So don't let it stay longer then it has to. Because I promise once you do let go and accept it , it will be easier to move on and be happy yet once again. Oh and don't be afraid to get back out there. For every door that closes another one opens.

Love you all
xoxo

Loving life

Right now I am loving my life. I love my full time job at Starbucks. I love my customers , and I love my team members. Sure I come home completely exhausted but I finally have a feeling of purpose. Plus I have awesome friends for the days I don't work. I love myself and I love my life. I don't have much free time anymore but I who needs a lot of free time. I have also recently reached deep within and decided that I deserve to be happy and so I am letting go of all the hurt that I have had to go through in my life, and moving forward. Life is to short to hold on to hurt for longer than a day or two. This world is a beautiful place you just have to open your eyes to it. If you hold on to hurt and anger you will never see it. I have learned a lot this year about myself and this world. And one thing that will always stay relavent is that not everyone is out there to hurt you, the people that walk out of your life arn't ment to be in it in the first place. I am also proud to say that I am single and I will not just settle for the first guy that comes a long like I used to. I deserve nothing than the best. I have also learned that if you can't be okay with spending time by yourself you need to learn to because you may not always have the plethora of friends that you do right now. I have finally decided to that I don't mind spending my days off all by myself its actually relaxing and up lifting it gives me time to look within myself and realize what I absolutely love about myself and what I could easily change. any who I gotta head off to work right now so stay beautiful people. and if you don't already learn to love the life you have because you only get on chance at this thing.

xoxo

Adjustments

Hey there fellow bloggers , or maybe you just stumbled upon my blog by accident. Either way I'm so very glad you did. So I'm starting to get used to life back in Indiana. I have my first full time job right now and I am a proud member of Starbucks. I am a Batista and I am loving every minute of it. I've only worked two days so far I'm still training. Its a lot easier then I though it would be but I'm getting the hang of it. Also I am absolutely loving the perks of working there. I have decided to start taking some classes in January so at least I have a little time to adjust to working full time and I am only going to be taking two classes so I can find a balance to still be able to work full time. I am so excited about all the positive things that are happening around me and to me. While I miss North Carolina in a way I am glad God brought me back here. Yeah so I may not have a lot of friends and me and my mom may fight from time to time , but the friends that I do have I would not trade them for the wold and my momma and I get a long a lot better after I moved. Mainly because she knows that I am not willing to be treated like a child any longer and that I am an adult and if I am not treated as one I will not hesitate to move out again. Honestly though I am trying to make it to where I don't have idle time anymore so I'm not as worried about trying to find something to do and being bored all the time , or focusing on the fact that I don't really have anyone to hang out with. I miss North Carolina because of the amazing people I had in my life. I was constanly surrounded by people and then moving back its kinda lonely when all you do is sit in a house by yourself doing nothing. But since I am back here I have a new set of goals that are going to take some adjustments to get used to. I am promising you all right now though that I will achieve them. They are 1.) To get a car in the next 4 months. 2.) To have an appartment of my own in the next 7 months. 3.) To have nothing below a B  avarage in my two classes (which will be hard for me because I have a learning disablitly and have never had good grades). and last but not least to work on my relationship with my mom which I know will be easier when im not living here. So there you have it , a kinda little look into my life right now and where I plan to be at within the next 7 or so months. Promise to keep you guys updated along the way. Lifes crazy but sometimes I just have to take the time to sit and blog and hope that someone will read it , or at least a place that I can sit down and write exactly what I am thinking.

Love you all
xoxoxo

P.S. don't be afraid to leave a comment as long as its not negative because I prefer to not have negativity on my blog. But I always encourage for you to post your thoughts. I actually really really enjoy it. <3 br="br">

Sticky situations

Sometimes you are around people you love and they do stupid things. Tonight I was asleep in my best friends apartment and I awoke to a funny smell , when I actually was awake enough to realize what was going on I called my mom to come get me. They had been smoking weed and to some of you that may seem like no big deal. To me that is a huge deal. I have so much going for me in my future and I don't plan on ruining that for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because even if I wasn't doing it I would still be going to jail just for being there. For me I was worried to call my mom at first because it was 3 am and she has to get up to go to work in only a few short hours. But she was very glad and proud of me that I called her and got myself out of the situation. Its hard to tell your best friend that you don't want to be at her house and that you won't be going back over there for a long time. She didn't see a problem with what she was doing but she also didn't care about how i was feeling all she had to say was this is my house and ill do what ever i want to do. In saying that she told me that she doesn't care about how her best friend felt. Anyways I guess what I am trying to say is that even if someone is your best friend don't be scared to let them know when they are doing things they shouldn't be but also don't be afraid to call your parents in sticky times like these. I don't know how your parents are but I though my mom would be furious that I called her at the time that I did but really she just kept telling me how proud of me she was. If you don't think you can call your parents call a friend and have them come get you. If you don't want to hurt your friends feelings then step aside to call you parents and when you walk back tell them that your mom/dad or whoever is coming to get you because they want you home or come up with a different excuse as long as it is believable. But if you don't want to be there because they are doing things they shouldn't be do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. Like I walked home at 5 am from my friends apartment one night because they were doing things that I didn't want to be around. Granted I only live about a half hour walk away from there. I guess what I am trying to say is besides get yourself out of situations like that. I want you all to know that your not alone when it comes to not wanting to drink underage or smoke illegal substances even if all your friends are doing it. Because it doesn't make you cool , it doesn't make you anything but stupid. And I am sorry if have offended anyone that does that kinda stuff. Actually no im not , any who I hope that what I have said can help at least one of you have the courage to do the right thing.

Love you all
xoxoxo

crazy twist

So while I was in North Carolina I got very home sick for Indiana and somethings happened that caused me to move back to Indiana and I though I would have been really happy when I got back here. While its great to be able to see my old friends again I honestly really miss NC. In the 6 weeks I was there it had really become my home I had made new friends and had gotten new family members. I kinda wanna go back there because I miss everyone so much and honestly its hard being away from all my friends and very one there expecally because I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone. If I could go back with out hurting my mom I probably would. But knowing how much it would hurt my mom I just can't do it. Im hoping to get a job soon and hopefully get a car soon so I can drive back and visit everyone. Its kind of crazy though because I come back to where I though I wanted to and end up missing the place I came from. I felt more at home there then I ever have here. I guess it will go away sooner or later , but like I said I really hope I can go back and visit here soon because I miss my family and friends there.

Love you all
xoxoxo

Not so sure

I feel home sick , very very homesick. I know I will get over it but right now its really hard I miss my mom I miss my friends and heck I even miss one of my old teachers who was more like a second mom then a teacher. Im not so sure why now and all of a sudden I feel so homesick but I do. Im going to make myself power through it though and suck it up. Its probably going to be hard but I know I can do it. I promised myself that I would make myself stay here until at least Christmas so thats what I am going to do and then if I still miss home this much then I'll go back. Im hoping that this is just a little phase because I love it here. I love the people and the atmosphere , I love the opportunity I have in front of me. I love my family here who has been so welcoming and loving towards me. Maybe its because the only friends I have are pretty much the ones I live with or maybe its just because I can't stop looking at every ones Facebook from back home. Maybe its because I have stopped drinking and am just constantly thinking about things. What ever it is I hope I figure it out. I am currently looking for a new full time job because my 3 hour a night job isn't really working out and isn't going to get me to where I want to be. I want to start going back to church , I want to find a church that fits me and go there. I want to try and find somewhere that will let me do something with youth groups. Because that is my automate goal and dream for life is to become a youth pastor. I think I just need to find things that will help me fill up my time here instead of just sitting around the house all day and doing nothing. I have wanted to be independent and on my own for a long time now..But now part of me is thinking that I am not ready for that yet. I love it here and I can not say that enough times I really can't I just have a lot of praying and thinking to do. I know God will lead me in the right direction if I let him , so I have a lot of praying to do. But a huge part of me knows that I am going to stay because I just love it so much here. Well thats all for tonight

Love you all
xoxoxo

Life

Sometimes in life we do things that we later regret , things we don't understand why we do it. And sometimes things just happen with no explanation. Well last night was one of those times for me. I was out partying with some friends and I'm not sure why but when we got home I just sat down by myself to think and I felt Gods presence and felt him telling me that this is not what I am supposed to be doing. Immediately I started bawling and just praying and praying and praying. I asked a few people to pray with me but no one would so I just prayed some more by myself. Everyone kept telling me I was just being emotional because of the alcohol but I know I felt God. So I got my  journal and started writing a lot and read some of my bible because I just couldn't take the though of not having anyone listen to what I was trying to say because I was drunk. In all honesty yes I was drunk but I wasn't making that up. I still remember everything that happened last night. But anyways back to what I was saying. I just felt the weight of everything I have been doing wrong here lately and I couldn't hold onto it anymore. I have been away from God for so long and I'm still not sure why he chose last night instead of a normal day , but I have made a promise to myself and to God that I will not be drinking anymore. Because I know what I have been doing is wrong and for me wanting to be a youth pastor I know I can't be doing that kind of thing. So here I am now in this place not sure where I am going to go from here except for the fact that I know FOR SURE I will be going to church tomorrow even if I have to walk there myself. I have not actually been to church in about a year now and I'm finally ready to go back. Ive change a lot since I have moved here and mostly for the better but I'm not sure this realization would have come to me if I had not moved here. Well that is my latest update/adventure here. Hope I can soon tell you about the progress I plan on making.

Love you all
xoxoxo

Home

After a very long night at the airport like four hours of being by myself I finally was able to get on my plane , I actually just got here but everyone is already so welcoming and had a great talk with the dad and Rachael on the way to the house which by the way was another hour drive. So after being up for HOURS on end I finally get here. All I can really say is that I am happy to be here and can not wait to see what this place has to offer me.Well now I am off to take a lovely little nap.


Love you all
xoxo

Beautiful

I have come to the realization that every single girl is beautiful no matter what! I used to have the lowest self esteem out of any of my friends. Its hard sometimes to think of yourself as beautiful , with going through everything I have been through it hard to think that way. Looking back on that now I was being fullish , and just because I am a bigger girl doesn't mean that I'm not beautiful in my own way. It may have taken me 18 years to realize it but I finally have no I will never be a size 5 but I am okay with that. God made me the way he did and I have learned to appreciate that. I hate that our society makes girls feel like they have to be a size 2 to be beautiful well guess what you could be a size 30 and guess what you are still BEAUTIFUL!!!! A pants size/shirt size should not determine what beauty is. Doctors wonder why there are so many people with an eating disorder , well maybe if we stopped telling girls that they have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful don't you think that the problem would drastically decrease? Or how about the BMI chart , there is only like a 15 lbs difference between overweight and underweight. There are so many girls that are skinny and being told that they are overweight or obese when clearly if they look like a stick they are not obese. Who comes up with these things? I think we clearly need to change the way society works. Girls hate there body because they are tough to from a young age if they are not stick thin , and it just gets worse as they get older. Its time for a change. Girls don't ever let someone tell you that you are not beautiful because you ARE!!!

Love you all
xoxoxo

Goodbye August , HELLO September!

So today is the last day in August , and while this last month has had a few great things to come from it , mostly it wasn't a great month for me. I am very ready to welcome September in here in a few hours. In August I have had a self caused seizure because I wanted to do stupid things. I have had a lot of problems with my mom and with my depression. But on the plus side I did get offered to move in with my dad for awhile , yet another reason I'm ready for September. With the coming of the new month I have decided that there are a few things that I am going to do. First I am going to quit smoking within this month , it may take the whole month but I will do it before September ends. I want to lose another 10lbs this month. I will work on getting a handle on my depression. The first two will be easier to accomplish then the last one , only because depression is something that doesn't just go away it will be an every day struggle but its time for me to come to terms with some things and its time for me to let go of things that no matter what I will never be able to change. I also want to be the big sister that my 4 little sister in North Carolina deserve , these last few years I am actually really glad they have not been around me because I have been no where near a good influence for those girls and they deserve better. So for those girls I promise I will get my life back on track , no matter what it takes. I don't want them to make the mistakes I have or be to the places I have been.

Well I can't wait to see what trials this new month will bring but I sure am hoping it will be better than August was. Hope you guys have a great month , Ill keep you guys up to date with how I'm doing on my goals.

Love you all

xoxoxo

My Boys

                    These guys right here are some of the most down to earth people I have ever met! They are doing what they love and working on making their dreams come true. They put in hours upon hours of hard work into their music , and they have come so far! I got the privilege of hearing their music a year ago.  Like all band they have had hard times but things are looking up for them now. They are far more than just a band. They are friends and even greater then that they are a family. They do what they love but they don't just do it for themselves they do it for the fans. I know that sound cliche but its the truth. They listen to their fans and they realize they would not be able to do what they love with out them. Also they spend a lot of time getting to know their fans. I am privileged to call myself a WAHF girl and be a part of this amazing family. I have gotten to know each one of them on a different level than I ever though I would. Some I knew before the band and other I got to know as they came along. Go and check them out. their web site is in a link in the post below or you can hit them up on facebook. Did I mention they have a UK tour in the works?? At least I think its the UK.



Love you all
xoxoxo

Me

Yupp thats me Ive been blogging for the past 2 years off and on mostly off but every now and then I have something to say. I figured I would let you get to know me a little more than just my posts , because they are my thoughs but I think its time for you to really know me. So to start off my name is Juliea , I'm 18 getting ready to turn 19 on December 23. I am outgoing people say but I'm actually really shy at first. I am a christian but I'm not the biggest fan of organized religion , mainly because its pretty much a bunch of rules when God even said out of the 10 comandments the greats is to love one another as you love yourself. I don't think God wanted us to worship him in a box. They are also the most hypocritacl people I have ever met. Thats besides the point though. I listen to a ton of different types of music but I am a huge supporter of local music. Some of my best friends are actually in this awesome band called When All Hope Fails. http://www.wahfband.com/#!home/mainPage Go check them out they are actually really good. I spend most of my time alone , some call me a loner but I think of myself as an indepentent person.
   
  I am strong minded and have a lot of opinions I just don't always share them. I hate conflict but seem to get into it all the time. Yet just another reason I keep to myself more often then not. I smile a lot but im not always happy. I just cover it up with a smile. Just like everyone im human and have been through my fair share of hard times. I but im trying this new thing where I look for the positive in every bad thing even if it seems almost impossible. I used to have severe depression and I still do. Every day brings new trials that sometimes makes it hard to see the light in all the darkness but its there I just have to work harder on finding it. One day I will I know it I just have to work on it.

A best friend is someone that isnt always easy to find. This girl I have known for about 9 months now and I am way closer to her than I ever was my last best friend. (whom I didnt drop btw we parted ways and are working on maybe being friends again) But that girl in the picture with me her name is Lacy , we have had our ups and downs but we refuse to go to bed mad at each other..There is nothing me and her can not sit down and talk out. She has been there for me so many times whether it was because she had to come pick me up from my ex's house at 7 am because he was being a total jerk and I was bawling my eyes out , or I was just sitting at home alone and bored. One phone call and she is there. When we don't see each other for days at a time those days seem like every day is a week. We are completly crazy and may not be very girly but why should we have to be? We are who we are and we are not going to change for you.
      

That man , thats my dad. He may not have given birth to me but he loves me like he did. I could not ask for a better dad he is my best friend and parent all wrapped into one. He has done things that by no means did he have to. When im hurting he is there to confort me , when im scared he is there to tell me everything is going to be okay , and when I feel like I have no where to turn he is there to welcome me in. With out this man I have no clue where I would be today , he has played a huge part in making me who I am now , and he has only been my dad for a little over 2 years now. But in those 2 years he has though me more than I could ever even imagine was possible. I love him with my whole heart and I don't think he will ever understand how much that is. And I promise you dad that I will make you proud.

         Well thats pretty much who I am , I am who I am because of the people I have mentioned in this plus soo many more. Like my girl Brittinie who i have known for years and moved on me , but we are still super close. and people like that. They are each a HUGE part of my life and a part of me would be missing with out them. I hope this helped you get to know me just a little better than you did before.


Love you guys
xoxoxo

Moving time

Hey guys , so somethings in my life have recently come to the point that I have decided that it would just be best to move. So im packing up my things and leaving for North Carolina here soon (as soon as my dad gets me my plane ticket). I have lived with my mom for the past 16 years , well now im moving in with my dad 9 hours away from everything I know.  Honestly though I think im more excited than I have even been and its not just because I will be only 3 hours away from a beach. Don't worry though my blog will be going with me. I get to have a whole new set of adventures and you guys get to go on them with  me now. Well you get to a little after I have already done them but im glad I will get to experiance these new things with you guys. Im excited to make new friends and spend time with  my dad.

Hope you guys are ready for some new adventures.

xoxoxo

Im back

I know I have not posted in a very long time but tonight something has really been on my mind. I don't understand how a parent can not want to be in their childs life when all they want is for them to be there. How do you just ignore them when they are crying out for you? I understand that there are more and more parents now days that are like that and it breaks my heart. Because why would you even want to bring a child into this world if you didnt want them? Or just keep walking in and out on their lives? Kinda like your teasing them saying yeahh ill make my apperances but other than that you dont get me at all? Or when your child is crying out for help and you tell them to stop being a whinny little bitch and to make themselves happy. I don't think I will ever be able to understand any of this. I hate that kids have to go through this all the time. Ive been there and gotten through it but some of my friends are also here now and I hurt for them. Because I know excatly what its like.


Sorry for the deppresing first post in a long time , but its not like anyone even read this anyways.
Well I love you all
xoxo <3 and="and" font="font" kisses="kisses" kix="kix">