First off I wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who actually take the time to read my blog. I may not have a super popular blog but I am okay with that. The 10-15 of you that do actually read my posts thank you, thank you for taking time to understand me just a little bit better. You are beyond amazing. Tonight I need to finally talk about something that happened to me almost 3 months ago. Only a handful of people that are very close to me know about what happened, but its time to start sharing so that maybe I can help someone else and to get my story out there. Before I go into what happened I want it to be made very clear, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY OR ANYTHING. Just to get my story out there in hopes to help someone else going through this. With that being said here goes nothing.
It was May 9th. I had admitted myself to the er, my tummy churning and worry written all over my best friends face. The night before I had hit my lowest low it was just me and my depression taking on all of the worlds problems. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to keep going and to show me some sort of hope for my future but I couldn't see any. I finally gave into lingering though of self conclusion. I went and found all my pain killers I had and swallowed about 70 of them. My tear soaked face knew that my suffering would soon be over and that I wouldn't have to worry about any of these things that are always weighting me down. In a way I was almost happy that It was all going to be over soon.
You see my life like most has been no walk in the park, my parents gave me up when I was just two years old. My only brother who happens to be older than I am has threatened to kills me and has beat me ever since I can remember. My Aunt who took me and my brother in when our parents gave us up has never really liked me and she has never been afraid to show it. I have pretty much just raised myself, for as long as I can remember it has always just been me against the world. Always being told that I was worthless, ugly and fat. Its almost inevitable that I would develop horrible self-esteem but it also made me very depressed.
My 6th grade year was when I had started to self harm, I constantly wore nothing but long sleeve shirts and hoodies. I did not want anyone to know what I was doing. For me it was a way to control my pain, I couldn't help the pain that others had caused me but I could control the pain I did to myself and it made me feel a little more in control of my life then I ever had. I know that sounds crazy but its true.
My freshman year is when the suicidal thoughts started to pop into my head and I had actually tried a couple of them but for some reason they had never panned out. I walked around with depression just written across my forehead pretty much. I had no modivation to even hide it anymore. I started to act out just for attention. I wanted for someone to notice me for once. I have never been the type to have a lot of friends which is totally fine. The friends I did have usually just used me for something but at least they pretended right?
After I graduated I started to hide it a lot more than I used to. Every night was the same I would cry myself to sleep then get up in the morning, put a fake smile on and pretend nothing was wrong. It was a lot easier at first, but with time I felt more and more fake than ever before. I finally just broke I mean you can only pretend to be okay for so long before you just break. Well for me that is what happened I just broke one day. I couldn't keep on pretending so I took the pills, we have almost made a full circle now, the but probably about 45ish minutes after I got a call from a more than close friend of mine. Before I could even say Hello he said "Are you okay? I have this horrible feeling in the pit of me that I can't shake and I know somethings wrong so what is it?" I broke down crying. My mind was racing, someone does care about me, what did I just do? Should I tell him? Should I tell him no nothings wrong I am just fine? I broke and started crying and the next thing I know he is at my house picking me up. We drove around town for about an hour and I told him everything. He started to pretty much force liquid down my system causing me to throw up.
I waited that whole night but then my belly started to make really weird noises I had never heard before which concerned me a lot. I tried to eat and drink to see if it helped but it only make me nauseous. I finally called my friend and told him I needed him to take me to the er. He was here in what seemed like seconds and stayed there with me as long as he could. Until they had to do the phsyc evaluation because they asked him to leave the room so I just told him to go home. Which brings me back to the beginning. I ended up in a mental health unit for 4 days where I was on constant suicide watch.
After saying all of this I just want you all to know that you are never alone. There is always someone when it feels like you have no one. We all have our hurdles in life and some seem harder than others. Some days it feels like it will never will get better but I promise it will it may take some time but it will get better. If you are in a dark place people go talk to someone anyone you can trust. If you don't have anyone. You can email me. There is always someone, I refuse to judge anyone I take every threat very seriously. I pray if you are going through depression and suicide thoughts for your peace of mind and genuine happiness. Again if you ever feel like you have no one PLEASE email me at julieanicole8274@gmail.com I try and check it every few hours and will get back to you as soon as possible. There are people who care about you even if you have never met them.
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