And sometimes life just happens.

First off I wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who actually take the time to read my blog. I may not have a super popular blog but I am okay with that. The 10-15 of you that do actually read my posts thank you, thank you for taking time to understand me just a little bit better. You are beyond amazing. Tonight I need to finally talk about something that happened to me almost 3 months ago. Only a handful of people that are very close to me know about what happened, but its time to start sharing so that maybe I can help someone else and to get my story out there. Before I go into what happened I want it to be made very clear, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY OR ANYTHING. Just to get my story out there in hopes to help someone else going through this. With that being said here goes nothing.
                    It was May 9th. I had admitted myself to the er, my tummy churning and worry written all over my best friends face. The night before I had hit my lowest low it was just me and my depression taking on all of the worlds problems. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to keep going and to show me some sort of hope for my future but I couldn't see any. I finally gave into lingering though of self conclusion. I went and found all my pain killers I had and swallowed about 70 of them. My tear soaked face knew that my suffering would soon be over and that I wouldn't have to worry about any of these things that are always weighting me down. In a way I was almost happy that It was all going to be over soon.
                    You see my life like most has been no walk in the park, my parents gave me up when I was just two years old. My only brother who happens to be older than I am has threatened to kills me and has beat me ever since I can remember. My Aunt who took me and my brother in when our parents gave us up has never really liked me and she has never been afraid to show it. I have pretty much just raised myself, for as long as I can remember it has always just been me against the world. Always being told that I was worthless, ugly and fat. Its almost inevitable that I would develop horrible self-esteem but it also made me very depressed.
                   My 6th grade year was when I had started to self harm, I constantly wore nothing but long sleeve shirts and hoodies. I did not want anyone to know what I was doing. For me it was a way to control my pain, I couldn't help the pain that others had caused me but I could control the pain I did to myself and it made me feel a little more in control of my life then I ever had. I know that sounds crazy but its true.
                    My freshman year is when the suicidal thoughts started to pop into my head and I had actually tried a couple of them but for some reason they had never panned out. I walked around with depression just written across my forehead pretty much. I had no modivation to even hide it anymore. I started to act out just for attention. I wanted for someone to notice me for once. I have never been the type to have a lot of friends which is totally fine. The friends I did have usually just used me for something but at least they pretended right?
                     After I graduated I started to hide it a lot more than I used to. Every night was the same I would cry myself to sleep then get up in the morning, put a fake smile on and pretend nothing was wrong. It was a lot easier at first, but with time I felt more and more fake than ever before. I finally just broke I mean you can only pretend to be okay for so long before you just break. Well for me that is what happened I just broke one day. I couldn't keep on pretending so I took the pills, we have almost made a full circle now, the but probably about 45ish minutes after I got a call from a more than close friend of mine. Before I could even say Hello he said "Are you okay? I have this horrible feeling in the pit of me that I can't shake and I know somethings wrong so what is it?" I broke down crying. My mind was racing, someone does care about me, what did I just do? Should I tell him? Should I tell him no nothings wrong I am just fine? I broke and started crying and the next thing I know he is at my house picking me up. We drove around town for about an hour and I told him everything. He started to pretty much force liquid down my system causing me to throw up.
                         I waited that whole night but then my belly started to make really weird noises I had never heard before which concerned me a lot. I tried to eat and drink to see if it helped but it only make me nauseous. I finally called my friend and told him I needed him to take me to the er. He was here in what seemed like seconds and stayed there with me as long as he could. Until they had to do the phsyc evaluation because they asked him to leave the room so I just told him to go home. Which brings me back to the beginning. I ended up in a mental health unit for 4 days where I was on constant suicide watch.
                           After saying all of this I just want you all to know that you are never alone. There is always someone when it feels like you have no one. We all have our hurdles in life and some seem harder than others. Some days it feels like it will never will get better but I promise it will it may take some time but it will get better. If you are in a dark place people go talk to someone anyone you can trust. If you don't have anyone. You can email me. There is always someone, I refuse to judge anyone I take every threat very seriously. I pray if you are going through depression and suicide thoughts for your peace of mind and genuine happiness. Again if you ever feel like you have no one PLEASE email me at julieanicole8274@gmail.com I try and check it every few hours and will get back to you as soon as possible. There are people who care about you even if you have never met them.

Road blocks

Things in my life were seeming to be going so great I have the perfect job , amazing friends, and doing well In school. But then 5 weeks ago I started having the worst back pain I have ever felt in my life. So my doctor went and did a bunch of different test for different things and 5 weeks later I have been told I have 3 bulging discs at my lower lumbar. I have been put on short term medical leave from my job. I really can not wait to be able to go back to work hoping to be able to on Monday actually. But I. These 5 weeks so much has happened it's crazy. I went from making a B in my philosophy class to failing it because I was to busy going to the doctor or having a test run or working that it got pushed to the side. My whole point In what seems to be just pointless blabber is that some times life goes from great to chaotic in 2 seconds and we are not always prepared for that to happen. We just have to pick up the pieces And do the best we can with what we have got, even if its not much. Currently I am dealing with a serious back injury that will probably keep me out of work for at least another 2 weeks. I am horribly failing a class that should be fairly easy. I'm way over my head in medical bill and every time I go to the doctor they are putting me on some new type of medication. Which gets very expensive very fast. I can't walk very well and I'm stuck in a house all by myself every day all day. But I do the best I can. I'm studying as hard as I can for both my classes along with forcing myself to stand/walk around the house every day for a half hour. I can't do anything about being on medical leave but I can take physical therapy serious and get better as soon as possible to be able to go back to work. So don't focus only on the negatives but look at what can come from the hard times.

A New Chapter Begins

     Here recently I have had a lot of positive changes in my life and so I have decided to make it a new chapter and leave everything else behind. I refuse to let the past hold me back one more day. I have started taking college courses while working full time at Starbucks. Which by the way is the best job I could ever ask for. My coworkers are not just coworkers anymore they are my friends and I love each and every one of them. And actually that is where it all began when I got my job just a few months ago. I guess you could say that its what got the ball rolling and me motivated to make something better of myself than just another teenage.
      With starting this new chapter in my life I am making it a point to find the good in everything, no matter how hard it maybe. There is a song that has really helped me keep my head up through hard times that have come my way here lately. It's called Every Storm by Gary Allan and course goes "Every storm runs out of rain , just like every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away, just like every storm runs out of rain." 
      I hope that no matter how hard life is for you right now that you don't just close the book but keep turning the pages and get to a new chapter in life. Because sooner or later your break is going to come. Everyone has to hit bottom at some time NO ONE is lucky enough to every stay up all the time. As strangely as it sounds thats what makes life worth living. Because if you don't ever have hardships how can you really apprechiate when things are good? Wouldn't you be more likely to take advantage of all the great things and then what would happen if out of no where you when from being on top to lower than low? I apprechiate and am thankful for all the things I have had to go through in my life because it just makes this new chapter of good things that much better.
    

change is a good thing.

I used to wake up every morning wishing I was dead. Never seeing a point to life, a point to try. Most days I just laid in bed all and just shut the world and everyone out. I lost some really good friends but I mean what else was new? everyone always walks out of my life. I can still vividly remember the last time I cut. I was living at a friends apartment and some events had happened and made me even more feel like I was never going to be good enough. My best friend walked in on me, and I scared her to death. She continually told me that she can't understand how you could hate your life so much that you would want to end it. But when you are constantly hurting death seems to be the best way out. I have not had an easily life by any means , in saying that I know there are people out there who have had it way worse then me. I would never try and say my struggles are harder than someone else because even if it seems not as bad to me as mine you have no idea how hard it was for them.

The change that has happened is I no longer wake up every day wishing I was dead. I still have my days but even my worst days now are not as bad as what my best days used to be. I have goals and I feel like I have a purpose. I can't say I haven't though about dying because that though doesn't just go away. I have learned to let God be my best friend because when you have no one else to talk to he is always there with open ears and open arms to hold you. (And he won't tell all your secrets if he gets mad at you). I don't know what changed but where I didn't used to be able to see a light at the end of an endless tunnel. I now see open fields and sun shine. as cliche as that may sound.

I now hope that one day I can be someone to give hope to people that feel hopeless , uncared about , and unloved. Because I have been there and felt that and its not something that I would ever want any other human being to feel. I don't wish my experiences on even my worst enemy. 


Love you all
xoxoxo

Letting go and moving on.

Sometimes life throws us some curve balls that we never would have been expecting. One of the hardest things I think I have ever had to go through is a broken heart. I know I'm not the only one who has ever had a broken heart. Ive had my fair share of them but this last one for some reason was the hardest. Maybe because the last time my heart was really broken was at the end of a horrible 4 year relationship. This last heartbreak though I was head over heals for the boy , he treated me like I should have been and he took care of me , when I was sick when I wasn't sick. He ended up breaking up with me about 5 almost 6 months ago. It was the hardest thing I have had to go through in awhile. It has taken me the whole last 5 months to finally realize that I can do so much better. I have finally moved on with the help of some amazing friends , family and well music. So for all of you out there who maybe going threw a heartbreak weather its your first or your 5th. I have a little challenge to you put down the chocolate , ice cream , or what ever it is that you have decided to turn to. Instead pick up a book and read it. Go out with friends and have a girls night out. Listen to upbeat music NO sad music that only makes it worse. Go out for a run/walk. Do something other than eat your feeling. While it may feel good now in a couple of weeks you'll be paying for it and guess what the feelings always come back. So get out of those sweats that you have been in for a week now. Take a shower and go out and do something. Even though it hurts it will go away. So don't let it stay longer then it has to. Because I promise once you do let go and accept it , it will be easier to move on and be happy yet once again. Oh and don't be afraid to get back out there. For every door that closes another one opens.

Love you all
xoxo

Loving life

Right now I am loving my life. I love my full time job at Starbucks. I love my customers , and I love my team members. Sure I come home completely exhausted but I finally have a feeling of purpose. Plus I have awesome friends for the days I don't work. I love myself and I love my life. I don't have much free time anymore but I who needs a lot of free time. I have also recently reached deep within and decided that I deserve to be happy and so I am letting go of all the hurt that I have had to go through in my life, and moving forward. Life is to short to hold on to hurt for longer than a day or two. This world is a beautiful place you just have to open your eyes to it. If you hold on to hurt and anger you will never see it. I have learned a lot this year about myself and this world. And one thing that will always stay relavent is that not everyone is out there to hurt you, the people that walk out of your life arn't ment to be in it in the first place. I am also proud to say that I am single and I will not just settle for the first guy that comes a long like I used to. I deserve nothing than the best. I have also learned that if you can't be okay with spending time by yourself you need to learn to because you may not always have the plethora of friends that you do right now. I have finally decided to that I don't mind spending my days off all by myself its actually relaxing and up lifting it gives me time to look within myself and realize what I absolutely love about myself and what I could easily change. any who I gotta head off to work right now so stay beautiful people. and if you don't already learn to love the life you have because you only get on chance at this thing.

xoxo

Adjustments

Hey there fellow bloggers , or maybe you just stumbled upon my blog by accident. Either way I'm so very glad you did. So I'm starting to get used to life back in Indiana. I have my first full time job right now and I am a proud member of Starbucks. I am a Batista and I am loving every minute of it. I've only worked two days so far I'm still training. Its a lot easier then I though it would be but I'm getting the hang of it. Also I am absolutely loving the perks of working there. I have decided to start taking some classes in January so at least I have a little time to adjust to working full time and I am only going to be taking two classes so I can find a balance to still be able to work full time. I am so excited about all the positive things that are happening around me and to me. While I miss North Carolina in a way I am glad God brought me back here. Yeah so I may not have a lot of friends and me and my mom may fight from time to time , but the friends that I do have I would not trade them for the wold and my momma and I get a long a lot better after I moved. Mainly because she knows that I am not willing to be treated like a child any longer and that I am an adult and if I am not treated as one I will not hesitate to move out again. Honestly though I am trying to make it to where I don't have idle time anymore so I'm not as worried about trying to find something to do and being bored all the time , or focusing on the fact that I don't really have anyone to hang out with. I miss North Carolina because of the amazing people I had in my life. I was constanly surrounded by people and then moving back its kinda lonely when all you do is sit in a house by yourself doing nothing. But since I am back here I have a new set of goals that are going to take some adjustments to get used to. I am promising you all right now though that I will achieve them. They are 1.) To get a car in the next 4 months. 2.) To have an appartment of my own in the next 7 months. 3.) To have nothing below a B  avarage in my two classes (which will be hard for me because I have a learning disablitly and have never had good grades). and last but not least to work on my relationship with my mom which I know will be easier when im not living here. So there you have it , a kinda little look into my life right now and where I plan to be at within the next 7 or so months. Promise to keep you guys updated along the way. Lifes crazy but sometimes I just have to take the time to sit and blog and hope that someone will read it , or at least a place that I can sit down and write exactly what I am thinking.

Love you all
xoxoxo

P.S. don't be afraid to leave a comment as long as its not negative because I prefer to not have negativity on my blog. But I always encourage for you to post your thoughts. I actually really really enjoy it. <3 br="br">