So many of you know that I had decided to start a life journey. While I have not completely followed it how I said I would, I have learned a lot about myself and about life in this short month. I have decided to stop stressing over the future and that alone has lifted a huge burden off me. I have also stopped living in the past. I have done that for as long as I can remember. Its hard not to do, when a lot of things can easily bring it back up. I am doing my best a living just for today and yes I still have my days where I just want to do nothing but lay in bed and cry but I can't do that. I hate thinking that I have wasted so much of my time and energy on things that don't deserve it. I recently received a call from my father who I had for the first time gotten close to, he left me a voice mail and you could tell he was drunk. He said (and I apologize for the horrible language) "Julia you want to be an adult well then fine its the time truth came out I am not even your real dad so if you want to talk to your real dad I will give you the information and leave me the fuck alone, because I am not even your real dad." and then at the end you could tell he though he had hung up but he hadn't and he was talking to someone and said " I don't give a fuck, fuck her". Something that would have completely shattered me in the past, has not effected me to that extent. Obviously it hurt and it still does, but I have handled it a lot better than I as well as others expected me to. I guess the point in telling you all that is life is going to throw things your way, your going to be in situations you don't like and your going to have people walk in and out of your life. Which is what I think is part of the beauty of life. Not all the pain that we have to go through but that nothing is ever completely set in stone. As cliche as that may sound its so true, if you don't like something then change it. We have to ability to do anything we set our minds to and yes sometimes rough things are going to happen that you can't change but you can choose to look at it a different way. Like the whole situation with my dad, to me I didn't lose a dad I didn't lose anything but years and years of hurt. While sure I am still upset that someone could say something so vicious and mean to someone who is suicidal, its his loss because I am a great person. So if there is only one thing you get from this let it be that nothing is ever set in stone, and the more you try to stay positive even in the hardest and darkest of times (because there is always something positive) you will live a much happier life. Until next time.
Julia.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
The small things.
So only being about a week into my life journey I am already starting to find some of the little things that make me really happy. One of those things is my five year old niece. I never realized just how me stopping by for a few minutes made her so happy. I realized that she is one of the few people who loves me just for being me. She could care less how much money I make, what kind of car I drive, and I could live in a box and she would find a way to make it fun. All that matters to her is that I love her. I could take her to go do really expensive things and spend tons and tons of money on her all the time, which may make me a cool aunt, but she for her it doesn't matter if I am taking her to the zoo or just to my house for some girl time she just loves spending time with me.
She just found out yesterday actually that I was going to be getting her on Wednesday and that she was staying the night and she got so excited. She asked me if she could bring some of her toys so that we could play together. It wasn't until later that she found out we were going to be going to the zoo, of course that made her a little more excited , but she would have been perfectly happy with having a sleepover with aunt Julia. Which makes me step back and think, why is it that as an adult we are always looking for things to do that cost so much money. When we could just hang out around the house with friends. Sure we arnt as creative as we were when we were five and we don't play with toys anymore. So other than that what is so different? I know I am for sure going to start looking for the littler things that can bring me joy instead of always trying to spend money to go do things.
She just found out yesterday actually that I was going to be getting her on Wednesday and that she was staying the night and she got so excited. She asked me if she could bring some of her toys so that we could play together. It wasn't until later that she found out we were going to be going to the zoo, of course that made her a little more excited , but she would have been perfectly happy with having a sleepover with aunt Julia. Which makes me step back and think, why is it that as an adult we are always looking for things to do that cost so much money. When we could just hang out around the house with friends. Sure we arnt as creative as we were when we were five and we don't play with toys anymore. So other than that what is so different? I know I am for sure going to start looking for the littler things that can bring me joy instead of always trying to spend money to go do things.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Life Journey
So due to a series of unfortunate events in the last few months I have decided that it is way past time to go on a little life Journey. In the last couple of years I have lost complete sight of the true me, going down paths I never though I would in a million years. I have always been a genuinely caring person about everyone, but at some point I decided that everyone else was more important than I was that somehow their wants were more important than my needs. I let negative things, thoughts, and people have control of my life and I have no idea how I ended up letting that happen.
It is no foreign concept to me that everyone has their own demons and struggles they must handle in their lives. We I have let me demons and struggles control me for way to long and I am sure that some of you that are reading this have to. Its not hard to do, actually a lot of times it is easier than fighting them. I let my past define me my whole like my mindset has always been that everything that was done to me is a foreshadow for how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Well guess what it doesn't have to.
To randomly jump back to the beginning the series of unfortunate events that have happened is that about three months ago, I hit what I though was my lowest low. I had been worn down from handing on to the constant pain from my past every day. Feeling as though I was always going to be unloved and that no one cares. I decided to try and take my life, but a close guy friend of mine called me and told me he was worried that I was about to do something horrible. So he came to get me and to make it short I ended up in the hospital. I started intense therapy and was immediately put on medication for depression. I felt like I was going to actually start getting better, but then the therapy became way less intense and I was pretty much demoted down to once ever two weeks instead of four times a week for two hour sessions. I have always had medical problems but never this many at one time. I have six doctors I have to see on a regular basis for all different kinds of things. Thus leading me to have to withdraw from my classes, which put me on termination status with my school. I got so overwhelmed and felt as though I couldn't get ahead no matter how hard I tried and the feeling as though I would be stuck in the constant state of failure for the rest of my life. So I went home with tear soaked eyes and made my second attempt last Friday. This time I had text a different friend to tell her goodbye and she called the cops. She illiterately saved my life, if she would have waited another five minutes to call I would not be here today. I ended up in ICU for 3 days 24 hours of which I was in a medically induced coma with a tube down my throat because I stopped breathing.
I have a favorite book that most people would not even think about dedicating the amount of time it requires to actually read and understand this book. (I have read it hundreds of times and it still takes me an hour to read about 15 pages.) It is called Walden by Henry David Thoreau and it is a real eye opener it was written over 150 years ago but pertains to the present times more then ever. Well I was reading it tonight and it got me thinking and I am going to take what I like to call a life journey. I won't be blogging, using facebook or any other type of social media, no internet, using my phone only for emergencies, no television so pretty much all modern technology will be off limits. I will be keeping a Journal threw out this time. I need to take time and just figure out who I am, now more then ever with everyone telling me how I need to deal with these suicide attempts. So I have decided to not listen to any of them but instead stay going to my therapist like I currently am and just try and dig deep deep down and figure out who I am.
With that being said, as of right now my life journey will last around two months. I know that is not every long but its amazing what you can get done in just a couple hours with no technology, of course I will still be going to work and things that I have to do. I want to challenge each of you, to do even just a mini life journey go three days with out technology and see what you figure out about yourself. Its a lat harder said then done believe me I know my life is pretty much on the internet, which is why my mom will have my laptop and television as for my phone it will be in my desk drawer on silent.
Well that is pretty much everything for now. I can't wait to see where I am at in two months (starting on Monday by the way) and to be able to share it with you guys. Wish me luck in this journey and I shall see you all in two months!
It is no foreign concept to me that everyone has their own demons and struggles they must handle in their lives. We I have let me demons and struggles control me for way to long and I am sure that some of you that are reading this have to. Its not hard to do, actually a lot of times it is easier than fighting them. I let my past define me my whole like my mindset has always been that everything that was done to me is a foreshadow for how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Well guess what it doesn't have to.
To randomly jump back to the beginning the series of unfortunate events that have happened is that about three months ago, I hit what I though was my lowest low. I had been worn down from handing on to the constant pain from my past every day. Feeling as though I was always going to be unloved and that no one cares. I decided to try and take my life, but a close guy friend of mine called me and told me he was worried that I was about to do something horrible. So he came to get me and to make it short I ended up in the hospital. I started intense therapy and was immediately put on medication for depression. I felt like I was going to actually start getting better, but then the therapy became way less intense and I was pretty much demoted down to once ever two weeks instead of four times a week for two hour sessions. I have always had medical problems but never this many at one time. I have six doctors I have to see on a regular basis for all different kinds of things. Thus leading me to have to withdraw from my classes, which put me on termination status with my school. I got so overwhelmed and felt as though I couldn't get ahead no matter how hard I tried and the feeling as though I would be stuck in the constant state of failure for the rest of my life. So I went home with tear soaked eyes and made my second attempt last Friday. This time I had text a different friend to tell her goodbye and she called the cops. She illiterately saved my life, if she would have waited another five minutes to call I would not be here today. I ended up in ICU for 3 days 24 hours of which I was in a medically induced coma with a tube down my throat because I stopped breathing.
I have a favorite book that most people would not even think about dedicating the amount of time it requires to actually read and understand this book. (I have read it hundreds of times and it still takes me an hour to read about 15 pages.) It is called Walden by Henry David Thoreau and it is a real eye opener it was written over 150 years ago but pertains to the present times more then ever. Well I was reading it tonight and it got me thinking and I am going to take what I like to call a life journey. I won't be blogging, using facebook or any other type of social media, no internet, using my phone only for emergencies, no television so pretty much all modern technology will be off limits. I will be keeping a Journal threw out this time. I need to take time and just figure out who I am, now more then ever with everyone telling me how I need to deal with these suicide attempts. So I have decided to not listen to any of them but instead stay going to my therapist like I currently am and just try and dig deep deep down and figure out who I am.
With that being said, as of right now my life journey will last around two months. I know that is not every long but its amazing what you can get done in just a couple hours with no technology, of course I will still be going to work and things that I have to do. I want to challenge each of you, to do even just a mini life journey go three days with out technology and see what you figure out about yourself. Its a lat harder said then done believe me I know my life is pretty much on the internet, which is why my mom will have my laptop and television as for my phone it will be in my desk drawer on silent.
Well that is pretty much everything for now. I can't wait to see where I am at in two months (starting on Monday by the way) and to be able to share it with you guys. Wish me luck in this journey and I shall see you all in two months!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
And sometimes life just happens.
First off I wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who actually take the time to read my blog. I may not have a super popular blog but I am okay with that. The 10-15 of you that do actually read my posts thank you, thank you for taking time to understand me just a little bit better. You are beyond amazing. Tonight I need to finally talk about something that happened to me almost 3 months ago. Only a handful of people that are very close to me know about what happened, but its time to start sharing so that maybe I can help someone else and to get my story out there. Before I go into what happened I want it to be made very clear, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY OR ANYTHING. Just to get my story out there in hopes to help someone else going through this. With that being said here goes nothing.
It was May 9th. I had admitted myself to the er, my tummy churning and worry written all over my best friends face. The night before I had hit my lowest low it was just me and my depression taking on all of the worlds problems. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to keep going and to show me some sort of hope for my future but I couldn't see any. I finally gave into lingering though of self conclusion. I went and found all my pain killers I had and swallowed about 70 of them. My tear soaked face knew that my suffering would soon be over and that I wouldn't have to worry about any of these things that are always weighting me down. In a way I was almost happy that It was all going to be over soon.
You see my life like most has been no walk in the park, my parents gave me up when I was just two years old. My only brother who happens to be older than I am has threatened to kills me and has beat me ever since I can remember. My Aunt who took me and my brother in when our parents gave us up has never really liked me and she has never been afraid to show it. I have pretty much just raised myself, for as long as I can remember it has always just been me against the world. Always being told that I was worthless, ugly and fat. Its almost inevitable that I would develop horrible self-esteem but it also made me very depressed.
My 6th grade year was when I had started to self harm, I constantly wore nothing but long sleeve shirts and hoodies. I did not want anyone to know what I was doing. For me it was a way to control my pain, I couldn't help the pain that others had caused me but I could control the pain I did to myself and it made me feel a little more in control of my life then I ever had. I know that sounds crazy but its true.
My freshman year is when the suicidal thoughts started to pop into my head and I had actually tried a couple of them but for some reason they had never panned out. I walked around with depression just written across my forehead pretty much. I had no modivation to even hide it anymore. I started to act out just for attention. I wanted for someone to notice me for once. I have never been the type to have a lot of friends which is totally fine. The friends I did have usually just used me for something but at least they pretended right?
After I graduated I started to hide it a lot more than I used to. Every night was the same I would cry myself to sleep then get up in the morning, put a fake smile on and pretend nothing was wrong. It was a lot easier at first, but with time I felt more and more fake than ever before. I finally just broke I mean you can only pretend to be okay for so long before you just break. Well for me that is what happened I just broke one day. I couldn't keep on pretending so I took the pills, we have almost made a full circle now, the but probably about 45ish minutes after I got a call from a more than close friend of mine. Before I could even say Hello he said "Are you okay? I have this horrible feeling in the pit of me that I can't shake and I know somethings wrong so what is it?" I broke down crying. My mind was racing, someone does care about me, what did I just do? Should I tell him? Should I tell him no nothings wrong I am just fine? I broke and started crying and the next thing I know he is at my house picking me up. We drove around town for about an hour and I told him everything. He started to pretty much force liquid down my system causing me to throw up.
I waited that whole night but then my belly started to make really weird noises I had never heard before which concerned me a lot. I tried to eat and drink to see if it helped but it only make me nauseous. I finally called my friend and told him I needed him to take me to the er. He was here in what seemed like seconds and stayed there with me as long as he could. Until they had to do the phsyc evaluation because they asked him to leave the room so I just told him to go home. Which brings me back to the beginning. I ended up in a mental health unit for 4 days where I was on constant suicide watch.
After saying all of this I just want you all to know that you are never alone. There is always someone when it feels like you have no one. We all have our hurdles in life and some seem harder than others. Some days it feels like it will never will get better but I promise it will it may take some time but it will get better. If you are in a dark place people go talk to someone anyone you can trust. If you don't have anyone. You can email me. There is always someone, I refuse to judge anyone I take every threat very seriously. I pray if you are going through depression and suicide thoughts for your peace of mind and genuine happiness. Again if you ever feel like you have no one PLEASE email me at julieanicole8274@gmail.com I try and check it every few hours and will get back to you as soon as possible. There are people who care about you even if you have never met them.
It was May 9th. I had admitted myself to the er, my tummy churning and worry written all over my best friends face. The night before I had hit my lowest low it was just me and my depression taking on all of the worlds problems. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to keep going and to show me some sort of hope for my future but I couldn't see any. I finally gave into lingering though of self conclusion. I went and found all my pain killers I had and swallowed about 70 of them. My tear soaked face knew that my suffering would soon be over and that I wouldn't have to worry about any of these things that are always weighting me down. In a way I was almost happy that It was all going to be over soon.
You see my life like most has been no walk in the park, my parents gave me up when I was just two years old. My only brother who happens to be older than I am has threatened to kills me and has beat me ever since I can remember. My Aunt who took me and my brother in when our parents gave us up has never really liked me and she has never been afraid to show it. I have pretty much just raised myself, for as long as I can remember it has always just been me against the world. Always being told that I was worthless, ugly and fat. Its almost inevitable that I would develop horrible self-esteem but it also made me very depressed.
My 6th grade year was when I had started to self harm, I constantly wore nothing but long sleeve shirts and hoodies. I did not want anyone to know what I was doing. For me it was a way to control my pain, I couldn't help the pain that others had caused me but I could control the pain I did to myself and it made me feel a little more in control of my life then I ever had. I know that sounds crazy but its true.
My freshman year is when the suicidal thoughts started to pop into my head and I had actually tried a couple of them but for some reason they had never panned out. I walked around with depression just written across my forehead pretty much. I had no modivation to even hide it anymore. I started to act out just for attention. I wanted for someone to notice me for once. I have never been the type to have a lot of friends which is totally fine. The friends I did have usually just used me for something but at least they pretended right?
After I graduated I started to hide it a lot more than I used to. Every night was the same I would cry myself to sleep then get up in the morning, put a fake smile on and pretend nothing was wrong. It was a lot easier at first, but with time I felt more and more fake than ever before. I finally just broke I mean you can only pretend to be okay for so long before you just break. Well for me that is what happened I just broke one day. I couldn't keep on pretending so I took the pills, we have almost made a full circle now, the but probably about 45ish minutes after I got a call from a more than close friend of mine. Before I could even say Hello he said "Are you okay? I have this horrible feeling in the pit of me that I can't shake and I know somethings wrong so what is it?" I broke down crying. My mind was racing, someone does care about me, what did I just do? Should I tell him? Should I tell him no nothings wrong I am just fine? I broke and started crying and the next thing I know he is at my house picking me up. We drove around town for about an hour and I told him everything. He started to pretty much force liquid down my system causing me to throw up.
I waited that whole night but then my belly started to make really weird noises I had never heard before which concerned me a lot. I tried to eat and drink to see if it helped but it only make me nauseous. I finally called my friend and told him I needed him to take me to the er. He was here in what seemed like seconds and stayed there with me as long as he could. Until they had to do the phsyc evaluation because they asked him to leave the room so I just told him to go home. Which brings me back to the beginning. I ended up in a mental health unit for 4 days where I was on constant suicide watch.
After saying all of this I just want you all to know that you are never alone. There is always someone when it feels like you have no one. We all have our hurdles in life and some seem harder than others. Some days it feels like it will never will get better but I promise it will it may take some time but it will get better. If you are in a dark place people go talk to someone anyone you can trust. If you don't have anyone. You can email me. There is always someone, I refuse to judge anyone I take every threat very seriously. I pray if you are going through depression and suicide thoughts for your peace of mind and genuine happiness. Again if you ever feel like you have no one PLEASE email me at julieanicole8274@gmail.com I try and check it every few hours and will get back to you as soon as possible. There are people who care about you even if you have never met them.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Road blocks
Things in my life were seeming to be going so great I have the perfect job , amazing friends, and doing well In school. But then 5 weeks ago I started having the worst back pain I have ever felt in my life. So my doctor went and did a bunch of different test for different things and 5 weeks later I have been told I have 3 bulging discs at my lower lumbar. I have been put on short term medical leave from my job. I really can not wait to be able to go back to work hoping to be able to on Monday actually. But I. These 5 weeks so much has happened it's crazy. I went from making a B in my philosophy class to failing it because I was to busy going to the doctor or having a test run or working that it got pushed to the side. My whole point In what seems to be just pointless blabber is that some times life goes from great to chaotic in 2 seconds and we are not always prepared for that to happen. We just have to pick up the pieces And do the best we can with what we have got, even if its not much. Currently I am dealing with a serious back injury that will probably keep me out of work for at least another 2 weeks. I am horribly failing a class that should be fairly easy. I'm way over my head in medical bill and every time I go to the doctor they are putting me on some new type of medication. Which gets very expensive very fast. I can't walk very well and I'm stuck in a house all by myself every day all day. But I do the best I can. I'm studying as hard as I can for both my classes along with forcing myself to stand/walk around the house every day for a half hour. I can't do anything about being on medical leave but I can take physical therapy serious and get better as soon as possible to be able to go back to work. So don't focus only on the negatives but look at what can come from the hard times.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
A New Chapter Begins
Here recently I have had a lot of positive changes in my life and so I have decided to make it a new chapter and leave everything else behind. I refuse to let the past hold me back one more day. I have started taking college courses while working full time at Starbucks. Which by the way is the best job I could ever ask for. My coworkers are not just coworkers anymore they are my friends and I love each and every one of them. And actually that is where it all began when I got my job just a few months ago. I guess you could say that its what got the ball rolling and me motivated to make something better of myself than just another teenage.
With starting this new chapter in my life I am making it a point to find the good in everything, no matter how hard it maybe. There is a song that has really helped me keep my head up through hard times that have come my way here lately. It's called Every Storm by Gary Allan and course goes "Every storm runs out of rain , just like every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away, just like every storm runs out of rain."
I hope that no matter how hard life is for you right now that you don't just close the book but keep turning the pages and get to a new chapter in life. Because sooner or later your break is going to come. Everyone has to hit bottom at some time NO ONE is lucky enough to every stay up all the time. As strangely as it sounds thats what makes life worth living. Because if you don't ever have hardships how can you really apprechiate when things are good? Wouldn't you be more likely to take advantage of all the great things and then what would happen if out of no where you when from being on top to lower than low? I apprechiate and am thankful for all the things I have had to go through in my life because it just makes this new chapter of good things that much better.
With starting this new chapter in my life I am making it a point to find the good in everything, no matter how hard it maybe. There is a song that has really helped me keep my head up through hard times that have come my way here lately. It's called Every Storm by Gary Allan and course goes "Every storm runs out of rain , just like every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away, just like every storm runs out of rain."
I hope that no matter how hard life is for you right now that you don't just close the book but keep turning the pages and get to a new chapter in life. Because sooner or later your break is going to come. Everyone has to hit bottom at some time NO ONE is lucky enough to every stay up all the time. As strangely as it sounds thats what makes life worth living. Because if you don't ever have hardships how can you really apprechiate when things are good? Wouldn't you be more likely to take advantage of all the great things and then what would happen if out of no where you when from being on top to lower than low? I apprechiate and am thankful for all the things I have had to go through in my life because it just makes this new chapter of good things that much better.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
change is a good thing.
I used to wake up every morning wishing I was dead. Never seeing a point to life, a point to try. Most days I just laid in bed all and just shut the world and everyone out. I lost some really good friends but I mean what else was new? everyone always walks out of my life. I can still vividly remember the last time I cut. I was living at a friends apartment and some events had happened and made me even more feel like I was never going to be good enough. My best friend walked in on me, and I scared her to death. She continually told me that she can't understand how you could hate your life so much that you would want to end it. But when you are constantly hurting death seems to be the best way out. I have not had an easily life by any means , in saying that I know there are people out there who have had it way worse then me. I would never try and say my struggles are harder than someone else because even if it seems not as bad to me as mine you have no idea how hard it was for them.
The change that has happened is I no longer wake up every day wishing I was dead. I still have my days but even my worst days now are not as bad as what my best days used to be. I have goals and I feel like I have a purpose. I can't say I haven't though about dying because that though doesn't just go away. I have learned to let God be my best friend because when you have no one else to talk to he is always there with open ears and open arms to hold you. (And he won't tell all your secrets if he gets mad at you). I don't know what changed but where I didn't used to be able to see a light at the end of an endless tunnel. I now see open fields and sun shine. as cliche as that may sound.
I now hope that one day I can be someone to give hope to people that feel hopeless , uncared about , and unloved. Because I have been there and felt that and its not something that I would ever want any other human being to feel. I don't wish my experiences on even my worst enemy.
Love you all
xoxoxo
The change that has happened is I no longer wake up every day wishing I was dead. I still have my days but even my worst days now are not as bad as what my best days used to be. I have goals and I feel like I have a purpose. I can't say I haven't though about dying because that though doesn't just go away. I have learned to let God be my best friend because when you have no one else to talk to he is always there with open ears and open arms to hold you. (And he won't tell all your secrets if he gets mad at you). I don't know what changed but where I didn't used to be able to see a light at the end of an endless tunnel. I now see open fields and sun shine. as cliche as that may sound.
I now hope that one day I can be someone to give hope to people that feel hopeless , uncared about , and unloved. Because I have been there and felt that and its not something that I would ever want any other human being to feel. I don't wish my experiences on even my worst enemy.
Love you all
xoxoxo
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